Silence

What I Fear
is your Silence

How you choose to sit in all quietness rather than spill out
how you brush off your emotions ever so easily
And sleep with your heart still heavy

For now it’s bearable
For now I can hold you
Let your eyes and tightness of your embrace convey
What your lips never may

But what about when
all we have are words to hold us together
And you still choose to not speak.

The Ending; The Beginning – Part three

You know that not everything is going to last forever but you don’t really expect things to end so soon either.

What do you do when that happens? When all that you thought that you knew was failing and falling to the grounds right in front of you and you could do nothing but watch?

I watched as everything I feared all played itself out in reality. I was a spectator to the ending of beliefs and relationships. Everything was coming to an end right before me.  I stood there watching the strongest woman that I had known do what I have known her to do best – stand strong; hold the pieces of our lives together and back the strongest man I’ve known as he stood in the frontlines taking every shot himself and not letting any of them touch his family. Whereas I could do nothing but watch, still healing from the wounds they never knew of, hiding scars that they never knew existed. 2016 continued with watching.

Never had I felt so helpless, I wanted to help but what could I do? I too was just healing and how to heal was all I knew. So, I did what I could do – heal – we healed together, patching up our broken hearts, mending our trust, bit by bit, a little at a time. We took our humour and we took our sarcasm and made a temporary makeshift blanket of happiness and wrapped ourselves in the warmth of it, I admit that we were not the easiest bunch to deal with, some of us were still too proud to admit that they were hurt, were still fighting battles for all of us, but then again, they also were finally letting us know they were tired. Finally letting us take the front lines in turns. 2016 hinted that it was indeed going to be a cycle of healing, battle scars and temporary fixes.

While life was throwing all the temporary people and temporary fixes, I stumbled across something that I so wanted to be permanent. I was on a go to kick start my life again – brainstorming ideas for projects, taking up assignments – and miraculously failing but still not giving up. Mid-way into one particularly fun assignment (which was also my sort of boss/ favourite person’s idea to cheer me up), I found myself in conversation with this particular stranger who felt so familiar.
“I don’t believe you” was all it took to get our story started. I didn’t know how it’d go or if it’d even go anywhere. But if the beginning was anything to go by, I had a feeling that this was going to be one fucking beautiful story. 

Maybe, I dared to hope, just maybe, 2016 was going to be a start of something new.

 

 

16 Mini Tales and a Tragedy

21 March 2015
A tall lanky guy sat right beside
“Hey! Nice scarf”
“Thanks!”
I smiled

20th Birthday of mine
First one that we celebrated together
Of all the things you did
My favorite was
your perfectly wrapped kiss.

19 roses
Were at my doorstep on valentine.
You said fourteen were too cliché
But never gave me a reason for why nineteen

18 days till our anniversary
When we had our very first fight
Over the date of our anniversary
You said it’s twentieth, I said it’s nineteenth
We later resolve this agreeing how the date doesn’t matter
All that matter is that we’re here, together.
But I know it’s nineteenth

17th, turns out it was seventeen
A photo from our dinner that night
Had a time stamp that we didn’t care to see
Sheepishly enough we celebrated our anniversary in
With a takeaway dinner and a bucket of ice cream

16 songs in the mixtape
Your best friend told me about all the cassette players that you went through
All because that rainy night
We were talking about how mixtapes were so cool
And I told you how I missed old school

15 shades of orange scarves
Cause you couldn’t decide which one was
Exactly like the one I lost last summer
Thanks to you being a perfectly great distraction

14 minutes late into the movie
Thanks to the pretty black dress
That took ages to put back on
After you unceremoniously took them off

“13 dine together, first to rise will be the first to die”
Quoted a friend as we were almost done with our dinner.
you stood up laughing and rest of us right after
that night as we made our way home
I held you a little tighter
Not superstitious
But scared

12 storeys high
The flat I liked was perched on the very top
Mint shade rooms and yellow kitchen
As we looked at the city lights
Sipping our tea was the first time
you admitted your fear of heights.

“11 more hours, love”
You try to console me through the phone
Although it felt more like you were consoling yourself
We somehow were able to spend a month apart
Without losing our sanity
But these unexpected additional few hours felt like a complete agony

10 minutes to eight
I sit there anxiously fidgeting with the tablecloth
You put your hand over mine
And calm me down
And the first time in this evening
I feel like I belong
Still not in this party
but definitely with you

9 generous slices of your favorite chocolate cake
It took you to finally admit
That there is such thing
as too much of sweet
I wasn’t surprised when you ran away
From anything that had chocolate, for a week.

8 chairs were left empty
We still decided to sit on the bigger table meant for ten
The tables meant for two had chairs opposite to each other
Keeping us at arm lengths
Keeping us from holding hands beneath the table
Keeping me from tickling you
And stealing your food.

7 tries it took you to unlock the door
Because you were too drunk to see
And I was too giggly to be steady on my feet
So after we finally got the door open
We sat hysterically laughing on the porch steps

6 days of burnt curries
And half cooked rice for dinner
Till you finally agreed on the new Chinese place that opened down the street
That one day I finally convinced you,
Turned out they burned their curries too.
That night our kiss tasted of burnt curries
and all the peppermint we had after.

Of all the numbers
I have lost the number of times we’ve been called out for being too handsy in public
You’re just too good to be true
Can’t take my eyes off you
Nor my hands

5 missed calls
I stopped mid walk to look at the phone
Seconds away
A speeding car

4….

3…

2..

1.

 

 

~~

 

Loop

We lay
like we have all the time in the world.

Lazy lingering touches,
soft kisses,
no urgencies.

As if slowing down our actions
would slow down the time too,
but it wouldn’t.

So we hold each other tight,
hearts beating as one;
entangled in one another,
not knowing where one ends and the other begins.

We lay
savoring every touch,
memorising every curve and plains,
every bumps and moles
to hold on to.

Till we again,
have all the time in the world.

The Ending; The Beginning – Part Two

When you finally pour out all that you’ve been holding in for so long, the first thing that you’ll feel is not light or relieved, but empty. Empty, hollow, and drained. All the anger pain and hurt that drove me, the restlessness, the need to jump from one work to another, all suddenly gone. I felt like a fish out water, gasping for something – some sort of motivation or kick. I no longer knew what to do; how to deal with my raw emotions. I was confused about what I felt and how I felt, about people, about work; everything. I was uncertain. 2016 resumed with uncertainty.

At a point it strikes that midst all my grief and sadness and the need to isolate myself, and all the letting go, I had been also distancing myself from my people. People who had seen me grow, fall, and get up again, before I decided to push them all away.  It wasn’t okay. I knew that I needed to make things right again.  Hence I started reaching out to them. And there they were, never really out of reach. They held me, let me pour out again and again, same things, without any questions. I started gathering myself up from the pieces, a little braver, still damaged, but willing to heal; and my people were there, letting me know that they have my back even if I fall again, that I don’t really have to be alone. From the impromptu coming over at my place, to letting me abduct them from their classes for morning rides, they were there. Letting me cry, letting me pour, letting me laugh, letting me heal. 2016 continued with healing.

Things, at times, change way too fast. Suddenly it was all hectic – joy, stress, happiness, love, banters, all at once; a complete rush. Stressful situations have a way of bringing people together in a weird way. Long lost bond, separated by time zones and distance, all rushed to snap back together over midnight musings and bottles of wine. It wasn’t just the old bonds that reattached, new ones were made, nurtured with similar humour, love and familiarity. 2016 carried on with bonding.

While the world was losing its way in 2016, I was finally finding mine.

I wasn’t the same person that I was before, but the change was not necessarily bad either, just different. I was a little less bitter, laughing a little more easily, and taking things a little more lightly. I was learning to be okay with things. And I was okay with so many things. Facing the past didn’t seem so bad, not easy, but not dreadful either. Opening up to new experiences and working on new ideas. The ghosts of past came knocking now and again but their jabs didn’t hurt as much. I could look at things a little more optimistically despite them being as bleak as they were. 2016 proceeded to be full of changes; changes that I needed and the changes that I accepted.

The Ending; The Beginning – Part One

2016 didn’t exactly begin as I envisioned it to begin in 2015.

I lost friendships; lost the love that I had stopped loving a long time ago. I lost myself while chasing who I was to be. I lost my compassion in bitterness. I lost my way and got stuck in what felt like a never ending loop of monotony. 2016 started with loss.

I started letting go. Letting go of people. Letting go of resentment. Letting go of caution. Letting go of dreams that no longer felt like my own. 2016 continued with letting go.

Or so I believed.

Where I thought I was freeing myself by letting go, I was only holding in things more. I was building up this toxic poison of inside me of hurt I didn’t pour out. Of pain I didn’t care to heal. Of loss I didn’t grieve. All crippling me from within. I was frustrated. And depressed. And the worst part was, I didn’t let myself accept that. Holding in the things I should’ve let go of the most. 2016 dragged on and dragged me down with all the holding on and holding in.

What  do you do when you do not really want to  accept how fucked up you are; how fucked up life is; and how fucked up everything is? You run. And so I ran away with the people who barely knew me, people who couldn’t really see through my disguise, letting them think that they know me but they didn’t. They didn’t know me or the demons I was running from. No one can run away forever, I know. But for now I can. And so I will. Run from the people I left behind. Run from the pitiful looks and sympathy sent my way from those who could see through me. Run from the life that was still waiting for me to come back. Run knowing that in the end I’m gonna have to go back. 2016 ran on and so did I.

Everything has its limit. Everyone has their limit. A bucket can only hold so much water without overflowing. One can only run so much without stopping. One can only take so much in without bursting; breaking down; exploding with all that I kept holding in – the pain, grief, loss, disappointment, self- loathing, hurt. Everything I kept wound up broke free. Crying, screaming, shouting and crying again; it all came pouring out. Till it felt like there was nothing left. Eternity in a moment. 2016 remained still for a while, letting me have my ending and emptying.