Silence

What I Fear
is your Silence

How you choose to sit in all quietness rather than spill out
how you brush off your emotions ever so easily
And sleep with your heart still heavy

For now it’s bearable
For now I can hold you
Let your eyes and tightness of your embrace convey
What your lips never may

But what about when
all we have are words to hold us together
And you still choose to not speak.

16 Mini Tales and a Tragedy

21 March 2015
A tall lanky guy sat right beside
“Hey! Nice scarf”
“Thanks!”
I smiled

20th Birthday of mine
First one that we celebrated together
Of all the things you did
My favorite was
your perfectly wrapped kiss.

19 roses
Were at my doorstep on valentine.
You said fourteen were too cliché
But never gave me a reason for why nineteen

18 days till our anniversary
When we had our very first fight
Over the date of our anniversary
You said it’s twentieth, I said it’s nineteenth
We later resolve this agreeing how the date doesn’t matter
All that matter is that we’re here, together.
But I know it’s nineteenth

17th, turns out it was seventeen
A photo from our dinner that night
Had a time stamp that we didn’t care to see
Sheepishly enough we celebrated our anniversary in
With a takeaway dinner and a bucket of ice cream

16 songs in the mixtape
Your best friend told me about all the cassette players that you went through
All because that rainy night
We were talking about how mixtapes were so cool
And I told you how I missed old school

15 shades of orange scarves
Cause you couldn’t decide which one was
Exactly like the one I lost last summer
Thanks to you being a perfectly great distraction

14 minutes late into the movie
Thanks to the pretty black dress
That took ages to put back on
After you unceremoniously took them off

“13 dine together, first to rise will be the first to die”
Quoted a friend as we were almost done with our dinner.
you stood up laughing and rest of us right after
that night as we made our way home
I held you a little tighter
Not superstitious
But scared

12 storeys high
The flat I liked was perched on the very top
Mint shade rooms and yellow kitchen
As we looked at the city lights
Sipping our tea was the first time
you admitted your fear of heights.

“11 more hours, love”
You try to console me through the phone
Although it felt more like you were consoling yourself
We somehow were able to spend a month apart
Without losing our sanity
But these unexpected additional few hours felt like a complete agony

10 minutes to eight
I sit there anxiously fidgeting with the tablecloth
You put your hand over mine
And calm me down
And the first time in this evening
I feel like I belong
Still not in this party
but definitely with you

9 generous slices of your favorite chocolate cake
It took you to finally admit
That there is such thing
as too much of sweet
I wasn’t surprised when you ran away
From anything that had chocolate, for a week.

8 chairs were left empty
We still decided to sit on the bigger table meant for ten
The tables meant for two had chairs opposite to each other
Keeping us at arm lengths
Keeping us from holding hands beneath the table
Keeping me from tickling you
And stealing your food.

7 tries it took you to unlock the door
Because you were too drunk to see
And I was too giggly to be steady on my feet
So after we finally got the door open
We sat hysterically laughing on the porch steps

6 days of burnt curries
And half cooked rice for dinner
Till you finally agreed on the new Chinese place that opened down the street
That one day I finally convinced you,
Turned out they burned their curries too.
That night our kiss tasted of burnt curries
and all the peppermint we had after.

Of all the numbers
I have lost the number of times we’ve been called out for being too handsy in public
You’re just too good to be true
Can’t take my eyes off you
Nor my hands

5 missed calls
I stopped mid walk to look at the phone
Seconds away
A speeding car

4….

3…

2..

1.

 

 

~~

 

Loop

We lay
like we have all the time in the world.

Lazy lingering touches,
soft kisses,
no urgencies.

As if slowing down our actions
would slow down the time too,
but it wouldn’t.

So we hold each other tight,
hearts beating as one;
entangled in one another,
not knowing where one ends and the other begins.

We lay
savoring every touch,
memorising every curve and plains,
every bumps and moles
to hold on to.

Till we again,
have all the time in the world.

Why did you stay up so late?

“Why did you stay up so late?”

“I’ve been – ”
Thinking,
remembering,
over thinking,
making up scenarios in my head,
making myself sad,
having mental conversations
that does nothing but make me feel bad
about myself
and insecure,
reminding myself that beneath the strong persona I wear every day,
I’m still the little weak girl,
still too scared,
still not brave.
Not brave enough tell you.
And so I say, “– working on the project I had.”
Wondering when did I take up a project to make myself sad.  

When you love me ( The dos and don’ts. Mostly don’ts)

When you love me

Be patient if I wake you up
in the middle of the night
Crying, cause I’m reading a book or watching a Rom-com
Or maybe just cause I forgot to turn off the light.

Don’t argue about this with me
Cause while I have nothing against coffee
My love is always going to be
A well made cup of tea.

Don’t tell me you love me like Romeo loves Juliet
Cause I think it’s stupid.
Little bit of misunderstanding
and the both end up dead

Nor bother comparing the love of Jack and Rose to me and you
I think that’s stupid too
Cause in that wooden plank
there clearly was room enough for two

And don’t even bring up the topic, silly
if you think Snape should’ve ended up with Lilly
Because No.
Just No.

And I know this list is long
Tad bit annoying too
but stick along
“Cause I will always looove youuuuu”

Ahem. Which brings me to my next point,

Bear with my singing
Cause I know I am horrible singer
and I know you’ll never put me on your ringer
but I love to sing

I know that at times
I can be difficult irrational and filled with jealousy
Then so, help me deal with my insecurity
And please don’t give up on me.

When I fall silent, don’t ask me what’s wrong
cause nothing is
I’m just thinking
So I’d rather you ask me about what I’m thinking, please

Don’t ask me about my scars
for I will tell you about it,
maybe at 2AM
When I feel comfortable about the shit.

Don’t treat me like a mystery
or try to solve me like a problem
Cause love I’m not your advance algebra
Or some complex mathematical theorem

When I run, Let me run
Don’t chase me or ask me what I am running from.
I’m not playing hard to get
love, just wait.

Cause I will come running back to you.

To walk in someone else’s shoe

Stepping in someone else’s shoe

And trying to make them my own

No matter how hard I try,

To get it to fit my feet

It’s always a bit too small

Or it is, a bit too big

The responsibilities weigh me down

No matter how hard I try

I can’t seem to be able to walk right

In these shoe that are not my own

Chasing dreams that feel so foreign.