Why did you stay up so late?

“Why did you stay up so late?”

“I’ve been – ”
Thinking,
remembering,
over thinking,
making up scenarios in my head,
making myself sad,
having mental conversations
that does nothing but make me feel bad
about myself
and insecure,
reminding myself that beneath the strong persona I wear every day,
I’m still the little weak girl,
still too scared,
still not brave.
Not brave enough tell you.
And so I say, “– working on the project I had.”
Wondering when did I take up a project to make myself sad.  

When you love me ( The dos and don’ts. Mostly don’ts)

When you love me

Be patient if I wake you up
in the middle of the night
Crying, cause I’m reading a book or watching a Rom-com
Or maybe just cause I forgot to turn off the light.

Don’t argue about this with me
Cause while I have nothing against coffee
My love is always going to be
A well made cup of tea.

Don’t tell me you love me like Romeo loves Juliet
Cause I think it’s stupid.
Little bit of misunderstanding
and the both end up dead

Nor bother comparing the love of Jack and Rose to me and you
I think that’s stupid too
Cause in that wooden plank
there clearly was room enough for two

And don’t even bring up the topic, silly
if you think Snape should’ve ended up with Lilly
Because No.
Just No.

And I know this list is long
Tad bit annoying too
but stick along
“Cause I will always looove youuuuu”

Ahem. Which brings me to my next point,

Bear with my singing
Cause I know I am horrible singer
and I know you’ll never put me on your ringer
but I love to sing

I know that at times
I can be difficult irrational and filled with jealousy
Then so, help me deal with my insecurity
And please don’t give up on me.

When I fall silent, don’t ask me what’s wrong
cause nothing is
I’m just thinking
So I’d rather you ask me about what I’m thinking, please

Don’t ask me about my scars
for I will tell you about it,
maybe at 2AM
When I feel comfortable about the shit.

Don’t treat me like a mystery
or try to solve me like a problem
Cause love I’m not your advance algebra
Or some complex mathematical theorem

When I run, Let me run
Don’t chase me or ask me what I am running from.
I’m not playing hard to get
love, just wait.

Cause I will come running back to you.

To walk in someone else’s shoe

Stepping in someone else’s shoe

And trying to make them my own

No matter how hard I try,

To get it to fit my feet

It’s always a bit too small

Or it is, a bit too big

The responsibilities weigh me down

No matter how hard I try

I can’t seem to be able to walk right

In these shoe that are not my own

Chasing dreams that feel so foreign.

 

Some days (You are not alone)

You know, there are just some days when you feel so…. crappy ? or lonely or desperate or just sad? or all of them. Some days when even just a snap twig can make you feel like crying your heart out?

Some days when it seem like every thing you lived for, believed in, is shattering into millions and billions of pieces. When you feel like every one you loved has turned up against you and you are the only one whose life is so fucked up and no one is ever gonna understand what you’re feeling.

Well, let me tell you that you’ve never been so wrong, especially on “No one will ever understand.” part, because I understand and not only me, there are a dozen of other people will understand too. Because at one point or another we all face the same [if not, similar] situations, problems and difficulty. There are plenty of others going through [or went through] what you are facing.

If it is of any help, let me confess that I’ve been through all that too and I promise you’ll get through and it won’t kill you, if you let someone help you get through. So cheer up and don’t feel so low ’cause you are not the only one, confide to a close friend or a diary which will make you feel even better.

And always remember life is way to short to spend on crying over nothing , feeling low ’bout yourself and shutting out the people you love. Try to take this precious time to cherish what you have instead of crying over what you lost.:)

Finding a bright side

[Originally posted on 31st July 2015 in http://scarlet-grace.blogspot.com/]

31st July 2015,

As I walked into the school today, I was greeted by abundance of red pens, number of cards and bunches of flowers. It was Teacher’s day today.

Growing up all kids have a specific aim, Something they want to be when they grow up. I never had any. I never knew what I wanted to be but what I did know was what I didn’t want to be. I never wanted to be a teacher. But with a twist of fate and a lot of free time in my hands, I somehow ended up being a teacher. A part time teacher, but a teacher nonetheless.

I can’t say I liked it, being a teacher. To be honest, I really, really didn’t like being a teacher; Most of the kids were loud annoying and horrible during classes. Being a teacher was really tiring. They were such devils that it made me wonder if this was how we treated our teachers and me being a teacher now was karma’s way of getting back at me.

Like I said, I really disliked being a teacher. I couldn’t see a bright side to it (apart from the salary, of course). That was until today; teacher’s day. As I entered my class (I’m the class teacher of grade 6) I was greeted by little enthusiastic faces with gleeful smiles as the said “Happy teacher’s day.” in a loud singsong voice and then came the flurry of gifts, cards, chocolates and red pens (Still can’t figure out what do I do with these huge numbers of red pens).

I took pictures with these enthusiastic little ones, a happy grin forming on my face. I felt a warm and happy feeling inside me. I guess I was finally finding a bright side to being a teacher and that bright side was love – pure and unadulterated love – and respect from these little ones. Their fondness of me made all those tiring days, spent shouting at them, worth it. And looking at the cards they made for me, I couldn’t help but feel touched. I guess today was the day when I changed my verdict and said, “I kinda do like being a teacher.”

The Hard Part

[Originally posted on 16th February 2015 in http://scarlet-grace.blogspot.com/
The revised version of this story is also printed on the September 2015’s issue of Navyaata magazine as “The End Game”]

With sweaty hands I finally managed to press “send” and few moments later there came a “seen”. I waited and waited, there was nothing but silence. Suddenly he called. I didn’t know what to do. I pressed “reject” sign on the screen. He called and I cancelled again. We did that few more times and then he called again. I knew he wanted answers, he needed them but did he deserve it? I didn’t know. With shaking hands I finally answered. I expected him to ask “why”, scream at me maybe, call me names but all I got was silence. “Hello?” I said.

“Hmm… Why didn’t you pick up the call?” what was that in his voice? Annoyance? Sadness?

“Er… I just uh…”What could I possibly say? How could I say that I was being a coward that I was running away from what was coming, that I didn’t want to face the consequences of what I had done.

“So… did you have your dinner?” he asked again filling the dead silence.

“Yeah…” Why was he doing this? Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why was he acting so normal? Like nothing had happened. I knew he had seen it. I knew that he knew, so why? Finally my curiosity got the best of me and I asked. “You got the message didn’t you?”

“What message?” He was lying! He was lying! I knew he was! I knew he had seen it.

“The one I sent on Facebook?” I asked unsure of his response.

“Nope” Liar!

“I think you should see it.” I tried to keep a cool voice.

“I don’t want to” His voice suddenly pleading, filled with the obvious pain. What had I done?

“You need to.” I said sadly though I had already known that he had seen it.

“No I really don’t want to, please?” No. No. No. He was doing it wrong! This was supposed to be the easy part! Why is it becoming the hard one then? He deserved this! Or that was what I thought few moments ago… Had I gone too far? Had I been too harsh? He hadn’t become serious, had he? He couldn’t be! He isn’t the type of guy to get serious, at least not so soon… but isn’t this what we wanted? Isn’t this how he was supposed pay for what he did to her?

“Is it true?” His voice was in the verge of tears. It almost broke my heart. What was I supposed to do now?

“Yes. Every word of it.” I never resented myself more in my life than this particular moment. When had I become so heartless?
“Okay. Thank you.” And that very moment he hated me more than ever. “You’re welcome.” I replied coolly. He gave a small sound of disbelief, pain, hatred and then ended the call. I slowly put my cellphone down feeling numb and empty, hollow. It was over. I had done it. I had broken his heart and all I felt was relief. Relief that it was over.