The Ending; The Beginning – Part One

2016 didn’t exactly begin as I envisioned it to begin in 2015.

I lost friendships; lost the love that I had stopped loving a long time ago. I lost myself while chasing who I was to be. I lost my compassion in bitterness. I lost my way and got stuck in what felt like a never ending loop of monotony. 2016 started with loss.

I started letting go. Letting go of people. Letting go of resentment. Letting go of caution. Letting go of dreams that no longer felt like my own. 2016 continued with letting go.

Or so I believed.

Where I thought I was freeing myself by letting go, I was only holding in things more. I was building up this toxic poison of inside me of hurt I didn’t pour out. Of pain I didn’t care to heal. Of loss I didn’t grieve. All crippling me from within. I was frustrated. And depressed. And the worst part was, I didn’t let myself accept that. Holding in the things I should’ve let go of the most. 2016 dragged on and dragged me down with all the holding on and holding in.

What  do you do when you do not really want to  accept how fucked up you are; how fucked up life is; and how fucked up everything is? You run. And so I ran away with the people who barely knew me, people who couldn’t really see through my disguise, letting them think that they know me but they didn’t. They didn’t know me or the demons I was running from. No one can run away forever, I know. But for now I can. And so I will. Run from the people I left behind. Run from the pitiful looks and sympathy sent my way from those who could see through me. Run from the life that was still waiting for me to come back. Run knowing that in the end I’m gonna have to go back. 2016 ran on and so did I.

Everything has its limit. Everyone has their limit. A bucket can only hold so much water without overflowing. One can only run so much without stopping. One can only take so much in without bursting; breaking down; exploding with all that I kept holding in – the pain, grief, loss, disappointment, self- loathing, hurt. Everything I kept wound up broke free. Crying, screaming, shouting and crying again; it all came pouring out. Till it felt like there was nothing left. Eternity in a moment. 2016 remained still for a while, letting me have my ending and emptying.

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Why did you stay up so late?

“Why did you stay up so late?”

“I’ve been – ”
Thinking,
remembering,
over thinking,
making up scenarios in my head,
making myself sad,
having mental conversations
that does nothing but make me feel bad
about myself
and insecure,
reminding myself that beneath the strong persona I wear every day,
I’m still the little weak girl,
still too scared,
still not brave.
Not brave enough tell you.
And so I say, “– working on the project I had.”
Wondering when did I take up a project to make myself sad.  

When you love me ( The dos and don’ts. Mostly don’ts)

When you love me

Be patient if I wake you up
in the middle of the night
Crying, cause I’m reading a book or watching a Rom-com
Or maybe just cause I forgot to turn off the light.

Don’t argue about this with me
Cause while I have nothing against coffee
My love is always going to be
A well made cup of tea.

Don’t tell me you love me like Romeo loves Juliet
Cause I think it’s stupid.
Little bit of misunderstanding
and the both end up dead

Nor bother comparing the love of Jack and Rose to me and you
I think that’s stupid too
Cause in that wooden plank
there clearly was room enough for two

And don’t even bring up the topic, silly
if you think Snape should’ve ended up with Lilly
Because No.
Just No.

And I know this list is long
Tad bit annoying too
but stick along
“Cause I will always looove youuuuu”

Ahem. Which brings me to my next point,

Bear with my singing
Cause I know I am horrible singer
and I know you’ll never put me on your ringer
but I love to sing

I know that at times
I can be difficult irrational and filled with jealousy
Then so, help me deal with my insecurity
And please don’t give up on me.

When I fall silent, don’t ask me what’s wrong
cause nothing is
I’m just thinking
So I’d rather you ask me about what I’m thinking, please

Don’t ask me about my scars
for I will tell you about it,
maybe at 2AM
When I feel comfortable about the shit.

Don’t treat me like a mystery
or try to solve me like a problem
Cause love I’m not your advance algebra
Or some complex mathematical theorem

When I run, Let me run
Don’t chase me or ask me what I am running from.
I’m not playing hard to get
love, just wait.

Cause I will come running back to you.

To walk in someone else’s shoe

Stepping in someone else’s shoe

And trying to make them my own

No matter how hard I try,

To get it to fit my feet

It’s always a bit too small

Or it is, a bit too big

The responsibilities weigh me down

No matter how hard I try

I can’t seem to be able to walk right

In these shoe that are not my own

Chasing dreams that feel so foreign.

 

Some days (You are not alone)

You know, there are just some days when you feel so…. crappy ? or lonely or desperate or just sad? or all of them. Some days when even just a snap twig can make you feel like crying your heart out?

Some days when it seem like every thing you lived for, believed in, is shattering into millions and billions of pieces. When you feel like every one you loved has turned up against you and you are the only one whose life is so fucked up and no one is ever gonna understand what you’re feeling.

Well, let me tell you that you’ve never been so wrong, especially on “No one will ever understand.” part, because I understand and not only me, there are a dozen of other people will understand too. Because at one point or another we all face the same [if not, similar] situations, problems and difficulty. There are plenty of others going through [or went through] what you are facing.

If it is of any help, let me confess that I’ve been through all that too and I promise you’ll get through and it won’t kill you, if you let someone help you get through. So cheer up and don’t feel so low ’cause you are not the only one, confide to a close friend or a diary which will make you feel even better.

And always remember life is way to short to spend on crying over nothing , feeling low ’bout yourself and shutting out the people you love. Try to take this precious time to cherish what you have instead of crying over what you lost.:)

Finding a bright side

[Originally posted on 31st July 2015 in http://scarlet-grace.blogspot.com/]

31st July 2015,

As I walked into the school today, I was greeted by abundance of red pens, number of cards and bunches of flowers. It was Teacher’s day today.

Growing up all kids have a specific aim, Something they want to be when they grow up. I never had any. I never knew what I wanted to be but what I did know was what I didn’t want to be. I never wanted to be a teacher. But with a twist of fate and a lot of free time in my hands, I somehow ended up being a teacher. A part time teacher, but a teacher nonetheless.

I can’t say I liked it, being a teacher. To be honest, I really, really didn’t like being a teacher; Most of the kids were loud annoying and horrible during classes. Being a teacher was really tiring. They were such devils that it made me wonder if this was how we treated our teachers and me being a teacher now was karma’s way of getting back at me.

Like I said, I really disliked being a teacher. I couldn’t see a bright side to it (apart from the salary, of course). That was until today; teacher’s day. As I entered my class (I’m the class teacher of grade 6) I was greeted by little enthusiastic faces with gleeful smiles as the said “Happy teacher’s day.” in a loud singsong voice and then came the flurry of gifts, cards, chocolates and red pens (Still can’t figure out what do I do with these huge numbers of red pens).

I took pictures with these enthusiastic little ones, a happy grin forming on my face. I felt a warm and happy feeling inside me. I guess I was finally finding a bright side to being a teacher and that bright side was love – pure and unadulterated love – and respect from these little ones. Their fondness of me made all those tiring days, spent shouting at them, worth it. And looking at the cards they made for me, I couldn’t help but feel touched. I guess today was the day when I changed my verdict and said, “I kinda do like being a teacher.”