When you finally pour out all that you’ve been holding in for so long, the first thing that you’ll feel is not light or relieved, but empty. Empty, hollow, and drained. All the anger pain and hurt that drove me, the restlessness, the need to jump from one work to another, all suddenly gone. I felt like a fish out water, gasping for something – some sort of motivation or kick. I no longer knew what to do; how to deal with my raw emotions. I was confused about what I felt and how I felt, about people, about work; everything. I was uncertain. 2016 resumed with uncertainty.
At a point it strikes that midst all my grief and sadness and the need to isolate myself, and all the letting go, I had been also distancing myself from my people. People who had seen me grow, fall, and get up again, before I decided to push them all away. It wasn’t okay. I knew that I needed to make things right again. Hence I started reaching out to them. And there they were, never really out of reach. They held me, let me pour out again and again, same things, without any questions. I started gathering myself up from the pieces, a little braver, still damaged, but willing to heal; and my people were there, letting me know that they have my back even if I fall again, that I don’t really have to be alone. From the impromptu coming over at my place, to letting me abduct them from their classes for morning rides, they were there. Letting me cry, letting me pour, letting me laugh, letting me heal. 2016 continued with healing.
Things, at times, change way too fast. Suddenly it was all hectic – joy, stress, happiness, love, banters, all at once; a complete rush. Stressful situations have a way of bringing people together in a weird way. Long lost bond, separated by time zones and distance, all rushed to snap back together over midnight musings and bottles of wine. It wasn’t just the old bonds that reattached, new ones were made, nurtured with similar humour, love and familiarity. 2016 carried on with bonding.
While the world was losing its way in 2016, I was finally finding mine.
I wasn’t the same person that I was before, but the change was not necessarily bad either, just different. I was a little less bitter, laughing a little more easily, and taking things a little more lightly. I was learning to be okay with things. And I was okay with so many things. Facing the past didn’t seem so bad, not easy, but not dreadful either. Opening up to new experiences and working on new ideas. The ghosts of past came knocking now and again but their jabs didn’t hurt as much. I could look at things a little more optimistically despite them being as bleak as they were. 2016 proceeded to be full of changes; changes that I needed and the changes that I accepted.