What would you do?

What would you do
if you get a cheat day?

One more day;
a chance to relive your last day.

What things would you do differently?
How many more memories would you make?

Would you let your loved ones know?
Would you slip in a silent goodbye with every kiss,
every hug,
every “I love you”?

Or would you push them away?
All so that you wouldn’t be a grenade
So you wouldn’t destroy them when you leave.

Would you try to change the fate?
Not give up without a fight?
Would you die fighting?

Or would you accept it to leave gracefully
as it is meant to be.
Let the people know that you love them
whisper in your goodbyes
with all the love and affection
you can pour out for them.

What would you do
if you get a cheat day?

 

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The Ending; The Beginning – Part three

You know that not everything is going to last forever but you don’t really expect things to end so soon either.

What do you do when that happens? When all that you thought that you knew was failing and falling to the grounds right in front of you and you could do nothing but watch?

I watched as everything I feared all played itself out in reality. I was a spectator to the ending of beliefs and relationships. Everything was coming to an end right before me.  I stood there watching the strongest woman that I had known do what I have known her to do best – stand strong; hold the pieces of our lives together and back the strongest man I’ve known as he stood in the frontlines taking every shot himself and not letting any of them touch his family. Whereas I could do nothing but watch, still healing from the wounds they never knew of, hiding scars that they never knew existed. 2016 continued with watching.

Never had I felt so helpless, I wanted to help but what could I do? I too was just healing and how to heal was all I knew. So, I did what I could do – heal – we healed together, patching up our broken hearts, mending our trust, bit by bit, a little at a time. We took our humour and we took our sarcasm and made a temporary makeshift blanket of happiness and wrapped ourselves in the warmth of it, I admit that we were not the easiest bunch to deal with, some of us were still too proud to admit that they were hurt, were still fighting battles for all of us, but then again, they also were finally letting us know they were tired. Finally letting us take the front lines in turns. 2016 hinted that it was indeed going to be a cycle of healing, battle scars and temporary fixes.

While life was throwing all the temporary people and temporary fixes, I stumbled across something that I so wanted to be permanent. I was on a go to kick start my life again – brainstorming ideas for projects, taking up assignments – and miraculously failing but still not giving up. Mid-way into one particularly fun assignment (which was also my sort of boss/ favourite person’s idea to cheer me up), I found myself in conversation with this particular stranger who felt so familiar.
“I don’t believe you” was all it took to get our story started. I didn’t know how it’d go or if it’d even go anywhere. But if the beginning was anything to go by, I had a feeling that this was going to be one fucking beautiful story. 

Maybe, I dared to hope, just maybe, 2016 was going to be a start of something new.

 

 

The Ending; The Beginning – Part Two

When you finally pour out all that you’ve been holding in for so long, the first thing that you’ll feel is not light or relieved, but empty. Empty, hollow, and drained. All the anger pain and hurt that drove me, the restlessness, the need to jump from one work to another, all suddenly gone. I felt like a fish out water, gasping for something – some sort of motivation or kick. I no longer knew what to do; how to deal with my raw emotions. I was confused about what I felt and how I felt, about people, about work; everything. I was uncertain. 2016 resumed with uncertainty.

At a point it strikes that midst all my grief and sadness and the need to isolate myself, and all the letting go, I had been also distancing myself from my people. People who had seen me grow, fall, and get up again, before I decided to push them all away.  It wasn’t okay. I knew that I needed to make things right again.  Hence I started reaching out to them. And there they were, never really out of reach. They held me, let me pour out again and again, same things, without any questions. I started gathering myself up from the pieces, a little braver, still damaged, but willing to heal; and my people were there, letting me know that they have my back even if I fall again, that I don’t really have to be alone. From the impromptu coming over at my place, to letting me abduct them from their classes for morning rides, they were there. Letting me cry, letting me pour, letting me laugh, letting me heal. 2016 continued with healing.

Things, at times, change way too fast. Suddenly it was all hectic – joy, stress, happiness, love, banters, all at once; a complete rush. Stressful situations have a way of bringing people together in a weird way. Long lost bond, separated by time zones and distance, all rushed to snap back together over midnight musings and bottles of wine. It wasn’t just the old bonds that reattached, new ones were made, nurtured with similar humour, love and familiarity. 2016 carried on with bonding.

While the world was losing its way in 2016, I was finally finding mine.

I wasn’t the same person that I was before, but the change was not necessarily bad either, just different. I was a little less bitter, laughing a little more easily, and taking things a little more lightly. I was learning to be okay with things. And I was okay with so many things. Facing the past didn’t seem so bad, not easy, but not dreadful either. Opening up to new experiences and working on new ideas. The ghosts of past came knocking now and again but their jabs didn’t hurt as much. I could look at things a little more optimistically despite them being as bleak as they were. 2016 proceeded to be full of changes; changes that I needed and the changes that I accepted.

The Ending; The Beginning – Part One

2016 didn’t exactly begin as I envisioned it to begin in 2015.

I lost friendships; lost the love that I had stopped loving a long time ago. I lost myself while chasing who I was to be. I lost my compassion in bitterness. I lost my way and got stuck in what felt like a never ending loop of monotony. 2016 started with loss.

I started letting go. Letting go of people. Letting go of resentment. Letting go of caution. Letting go of dreams that no longer felt like my own. 2016 continued with letting go.

Or so I believed.

Where I thought I was freeing myself by letting go, I was only holding in things more. I was building up this toxic poison of inside me of hurt I didn’t pour out. Of pain I didn’t care to heal. Of loss I didn’t grieve. All crippling me from within. I was frustrated. And depressed. And the worst part was, I didn’t let myself accept that. Holding in the things I should’ve let go of the most. 2016 dragged on and dragged me down with all the holding on and holding in.

What  do you do when you do not really want to  accept how fucked up you are; how fucked up life is; and how fucked up everything is? You run. And so I ran away with the people who barely knew me, people who couldn’t really see through my disguise, letting them think that they know me but they didn’t. They didn’t know me or the demons I was running from. No one can run away forever, I know. But for now I can. And so I will. Run from the people I left behind. Run from the pitiful looks and sympathy sent my way from those who could see through me. Run from the life that was still waiting for me to come back. Run knowing that in the end I’m gonna have to go back. 2016 ran on and so did I.

Everything has its limit. Everyone has their limit. A bucket can only hold so much water without overflowing. One can only run so much without stopping. One can only take so much in without bursting; breaking down; exploding with all that I kept holding in – the pain, grief, loss, disappointment, self- loathing, hurt. Everything I kept wound up broke free. Crying, screaming, shouting and crying again; it all came pouring out. Till it felt like there was nothing left. Eternity in a moment. 2016 remained still for a while, letting me have my ending and emptying.

Why did you stay up so late?

“Why did you stay up so late?”

“I’ve been – ”
Thinking,
remembering,
over thinking,
making up scenarios in my head,
making myself sad,
having mental conversations
that does nothing but make me feel bad
about myself
and insecure,
reminding myself that beneath the strong persona I wear every day,
I’m still the little weak girl,
still too scared,
still not brave.
Not brave enough tell you.
And so I say, “– working on the project I had.”
Wondering when did I take up a project to make myself sad.  

Some days (You are not alone)

You know, there are just some days when you feel so…. crappy ? or lonely or desperate or just sad? or all of them. Some days when even just a snap twig can make you feel like crying your heart out?

Some days when it seem like every thing you lived for, believed in, is shattering into millions and billions of pieces. When you feel like every one you loved has turned up against you and you are the only one whose life is so fucked up and no one is ever gonna understand what you’re feeling.

Well, let me tell you that you’ve never been so wrong, especially on “No one will ever understand.” part, because I understand and not only me, there are a dozen of other people will understand too. Because at one point or another we all face the same [if not, similar] situations, problems and difficulty. There are plenty of others going through [or went through] what you are facing.

If it is of any help, let me confess that I’ve been through all that too and I promise you’ll get through and it won’t kill you, if you let someone help you get through. So cheer up and don’t feel so low ’cause you are not the only one, confide to a close friend or a diary which will make you feel even better.

And always remember life is way to short to spend on crying over nothing , feeling low ’bout yourself and shutting out the people you love. Try to take this precious time to cherish what you have instead of crying over what you lost.:)

The Hard Part

[Originally posted on 16th February 2015 in http://scarlet-grace.blogspot.com/
The revised version of this story is also printed on the September 2015’s issue of Navyaata magazine as “The End Game”]

With sweaty hands I finally managed to press “send” and few moments later there came a “seen”. I waited and waited, there was nothing but silence. Suddenly he called. I didn’t know what to do. I pressed “reject” sign on the screen. He called and I cancelled again. We did that few more times and then he called again. I knew he wanted answers, he needed them but did he deserve it? I didn’t know. With shaking hands I finally answered. I expected him to ask “why”, scream at me maybe, call me names but all I got was silence. “Hello?” I said.

“Hmm… Why didn’t you pick up the call?” what was that in his voice? Annoyance? Sadness?

“Er… I just uh…”What could I possibly say? How could I say that I was being a coward that I was running away from what was coming, that I didn’t want to face the consequences of what I had done.

“So… did you have your dinner?” he asked again filling the dead silence.

“Yeah…” Why was he doing this? Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why was he acting so normal? Like nothing had happened. I knew he had seen it. I knew that he knew, so why? Finally my curiosity got the best of me and I asked. “You got the message didn’t you?”

“What message?” He was lying! He was lying! I knew he was! I knew he had seen it.

“The one I sent on Facebook?” I asked unsure of his response.

“Nope” Liar!

“I think you should see it.” I tried to keep a cool voice.

“I don’t want to” His voice suddenly pleading, filled with the obvious pain. What had I done?

“You need to.” I said sadly though I had already known that he had seen it.

“No I really don’t want to, please?” No. No. No. He was doing it wrong! This was supposed to be the easy part! Why is it becoming the hard one then? He deserved this! Or that was what I thought few moments ago… Had I gone too far? Had I been too harsh? He hadn’t become serious, had he? He couldn’t be! He isn’t the type of guy to get serious, at least not so soon… but isn’t this what we wanted? Isn’t this how he was supposed pay for what he did to her?

“Is it true?” His voice was in the verge of tears. It almost broke my heart. What was I supposed to do now?

“Yes. Every word of it.” I never resented myself more in my life than this particular moment. When had I become so heartless?
“Okay. Thank you.” And that very moment he hated me more than ever. “You’re welcome.” I replied coolly. He gave a small sound of disbelief, pain, hatred and then ended the call. I slowly put my cellphone down feeling numb and empty, hollow. It was over. I had done it. I had broken his heart and all I felt was relief. Relief that it was over.