The Ending; The Beginning – Part One

2016 didn’t exactly begin as I envisioned it to begin in 2015.

I lost friendships; lost the love that I had stopped loving a long time ago. I lost myself while chasing who I was to be. I lost my compassion in bitterness. I lost my way and got stuck in what felt like a never ending loop of monotony. 2016 started with loss.

I started letting go. Letting go of people. Letting go of resentment. Letting go of caution. Letting go of dreams that no longer felt like my own. 2016 continued with letting go.

Or so I believed.

Where I thought I was freeing myself by letting go, I was only holding in things more. I was building up this toxic poison of inside me of hurt I didn’t pour out. Of pain I didn’t care to heal. Of loss I didn’t grieve. All crippling me from within. I was frustrated. And depressed. And the worst part was, I didn’t let myself accept that. Holding in the things I should’ve let go of the most. 2016 dragged on and dragged me down with all the holding on and holding in.

What  do you do when you do not really want to  accept how fucked up you are; how fucked up life is; and how fucked up everything is? You run. And so I ran away with the people who barely knew me, people who couldn’t really see through my disguise, letting them think that they know me but they didn’t. They didn’t know me or the demons I was running from. No one can run away forever, I know. But for now I can. And so I will. Run from the people I left behind. Run from the pitiful looks and sympathy sent my way from those who could see through me. Run from the life that was still waiting for me to come back. Run knowing that in the end I’m gonna have to go back. 2016 ran on and so did I.

Everything has its limit. Everyone has their limit. A bucket can only hold so much water without overflowing. One can only run so much without stopping. One can only take so much in without bursting; breaking down; exploding with all that I kept holding in – the pain, grief, loss, disappointment, self- loathing, hurt. Everything I kept wound up broke free. Crying, screaming, shouting and crying again; it all came pouring out. Till it felt like there was nothing left. Eternity in a moment. 2016 remained still for a while, letting me have my ending and emptying.

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The Hard Part

[Originally posted on 16th February 2015 in http://scarlet-grace.blogspot.com/
The revised version of this story is also printed on the September 2015’s issue of Navyaata magazine as “The End Game”]

With sweaty hands I finally managed to press “send” and few moments later there came a “seen”. I waited and waited, there was nothing but silence. Suddenly he called. I didn’t know what to do. I pressed “reject” sign on the screen. He called and I cancelled again. We did that few more times and then he called again. I knew he wanted answers, he needed them but did he deserve it? I didn’t know. With shaking hands I finally answered. I expected him to ask “why”, scream at me maybe, call me names but all I got was silence. “Hello?” I said.

“Hmm… Why didn’t you pick up the call?” what was that in his voice? Annoyance? Sadness?

“Er… I just uh…”What could I possibly say? How could I say that I was being a coward that I was running away from what was coming, that I didn’t want to face the consequences of what I had done.

“So… did you have your dinner?” he asked again filling the dead silence.

“Yeah…” Why was he doing this? Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why was he acting so normal? Like nothing had happened. I knew he had seen it. I knew that he knew, so why? Finally my curiosity got the best of me and I asked. “You got the message didn’t you?”

“What message?” He was lying! He was lying! I knew he was! I knew he had seen it.

“The one I sent on Facebook?” I asked unsure of his response.

“Nope” Liar!

“I think you should see it.” I tried to keep a cool voice.

“I don’t want to” His voice suddenly pleading, filled with the obvious pain. What had I done?

“You need to.” I said sadly though I had already known that he had seen it.

“No I really don’t want to, please?” No. No. No. He was doing it wrong! This was supposed to be the easy part! Why is it becoming the hard one then? He deserved this! Or that was what I thought few moments ago… Had I gone too far? Had I been too harsh? He hadn’t become serious, had he? He couldn’t be! He isn’t the type of guy to get serious, at least not so soon… but isn’t this what we wanted? Isn’t this how he was supposed pay for what he did to her?

“Is it true?” His voice was in the verge of tears. It almost broke my heart. What was I supposed to do now?

“Yes. Every word of it.” I never resented myself more in my life than this particular moment. When had I become so heartless?
“Okay. Thank you.” And that very moment he hated me more than ever. “You’re welcome.” I replied coolly. He gave a small sound of disbelief, pain, hatred and then ended the call. I slowly put my cellphone down feeling numb and empty, hollow. It was over. I had done it. I had broken his heart and all I felt was relief. Relief that it was over.